China can feel cold.
Like a scarred face that only a Mother could love.
The people can feel robotic, consumed in the cesspool of their thoughts, ignorant to their surroundings.
A coping mechanism perhaps?
Or a product of their conditioning?
I see a puppets on a string wearing blinders, to be fair like we all ultimately are to some degree.
You only need to look out of the window of the plane (if you’re lucky enough to have a window seat otherwise all the blinds will be down, no matter the time of day) to see the thousands upon thousands of concrete buildings climbing on top of each other, sprawled out so far the mind struggles comprehend such expansiveness. Such overpopulation. Such power. Such parasitic demand on environmental resources. Such consumption.
Never have I felt an all encompassing blinding doom that smothers any hope I have in the goodness of humanity. It wears me down. Faster than any grinding tooth habit, but with the same permanent effect. There’s no hiding from it.
From the rows of brand new discarded slippers left behind on the plane to individually plastic wrapped bananas to the overflowing recycling bins filled with household waste, like they know recycling is just a joke, or is it simply a symptom of a far reaching issue?
A lack of care or responsibility to something and someone outside of our own world bubble is surely from a conditioned mind? Or maybe it’s a manifestation of lower vibrational thinking?
Either way, why should you care when it’s hard enough just to get by.
I get it. I really do.
But does it make it right?
It simply takes one plane, bus or train ride to see the astronomical waste, and know that this is one of thousands, potentially millions happening this very minute, for me to want to opt out of the human race. Then look around at the hungry mouths to feed, the fresh fruit and veggies that looks so perfect, so artificial, so not the way any naturally grown living food would ever look if it wasn’t forcibly controlled and mass produced. They simply don’t have the land, the time, the resources and the ability to do it any other way.
A simple trip to a market selling live animals confirms abhorrent animal cruelty – which is in plain view – so imagine what happens behind closed, time pressured, stressful, low waged walls?
No such thing as animal rights, these poor Earthlings cop pain and suffering unimaginable to us all, and as everything is energy, their anxiety and terror is transmitted straight to the ones who consume them. Carrying a morgue of rotting animal corpses is surely hard to help one feel good about themselves and want to do good in the World?
Of course there are the exceptions. I have experienced the most generous, welcoming and plain adoring authentic interactions with many Chinese people in my time travelling through the expansive land. But life around us is always a reflection of our own internal light. Darkness reflects darkness. Everything around us just confirms and conforms to the beliefs we have inside.
They do however intrigue me the Chinese. Almost every public area has an individual USB charging device, and people live via their phones, it seems a necessity. Most things can be bought and used without even a glance into another’s dreary deadened eyes – or is this simply a reflection of my anguish inside?
So why is my light dimmed?
What am I feeling this way? Why now?
Especially when I’m doing what I love, when I’m living my values of freedom, adventure and challenge?
I used to love the time spent at Airports, despite the hold ups, the uncertainty, the conformity, and the ever changing rules and regulations in differing countries. It signified the entrée to the main course which of course was the exploration and adventure awaiting when travelling somewhere foreign and new.
Exhilaration being just around the corner.
But this time it was different.
I found fault in the rigidity, the cold and functional manner of Airline and Custom Personnel. The game that is travelling with a bike box , adhering to Airline regulations without copping extra oversized charges, made me feel tied and worn out.
The lack of fresh air being in an air controlled environment for almost 2 days, surrounded by the constant human affliction to consume and expecting to be fed every few hours. I watched people shovel a horror of food combinations from prepackaged meals or leave uneaten food destined for the bin, whilst I thought back to the passed out, scrawny and grubby Chinese guy I saw being shoved away at the door of a retail store.
I wasn’t as amused when a dead fish on a plate turned up in my preordered fruitarian meal with baffled looks from the Airline Stewart when I gave it back to her. I didn’t chuckle at the time spent queuing to get onto the motorway from my transit accomodation to then turn around back to the Hotel in order to change into a smaller Van and sit back again, like groundhog day, as I peered at my watch.
I felt tears well up at the back of my eyes when my powerbank was taken off me in security, and again when I was moved on from a row of seats I’d set up as my bed as the departure lounge was closing for the night. I had a 9 hour layover. It was only 2am.
The meal of vege and rice noodles I’d bought especially as I could individually choose what veggies to have cooked came out in an overpowering msg and salt laden broth. It numbed my mouth and made me giddy and nauseous so I forced it up in the toilet to get some relief. The trauma forcing my body to bring up a meal made me feel worse, my head roaring a blaze whilst the rest of my body shivered in its wake.
Then my uterus contracted and my period arrived. I very rarely get period pains, and especially when I eat or mostly raw. But this time my body let me know things were not quite right.
I was not quite right
I didn’t want to be in China.
I actually didn’t want to be anywhere except back at home.
The Airport and all its experiences let me know it meant months and months away. Away with the despair and loneliness that only comes from wanting to be somewhere different to where you are now.
In particular, not somewhere, but with someone.
I didn’t mean and I sure didn’t want to fall in love.
I was happy alone.
Well I thought I was happy alone.
Sure I wanted to find that special someone, my journal of affirmations and goals had 3 pages dedicated to my ideal partner. My ideal partner seemed rarer than World Peace, but I knew I had closed myself off from seeing potential so part of my 2019 goals were to date at least once a month.
I reluctantly obeyed past Andrea’s demands, besides I’d told my Coach so he’d make sure I stayed accountable. I had a few lacklustre Tinder dates which made me think I’d have more hope seeing Elvis alive than finding someone even closely resembling what I wanted. But I really didn’t want someone, I was heading off overseas travelling alone which I valued more than anything, for an indefinite amount of time.
Who knows if I’d be back.
I had no ties, hell I’d come to Western Australia for a 3 month gig and ended up staying 2 years.
Surely time was up and another intriguing place in the World required my presence.
The vast World .
I really wanted to see it all.
I’d always wanted to cycle over to the UK, maybe it was time?
I wasn’t expecting and I sure tried to fight what was to come the few months prior to me leaving. It is known the Universe will give you not what you need but what you deserve and what is ultimately best for you at any given moment, but I resisted.
I yet again put up walls, I was good at that. But did I really want to keep reaffirming this pattern in my life over and over again?
I decided I did not, and I hesitantly opened my fearful heart. I opted to be like a running river and flow.
Be taken along for the ride.
And just be.
In the reality of life, the only place you ever need to be is exactly where you are right at this moment.
To feel and to desire anything more or less than what you are experiencing in the presence moment means your mind is using you. That you are being used, and not in a good way.
Nothing ever turns out well when someone is being used.
And not that dreams and goals are ever a bad thing, most definitely not at all. Sometimes your present situation is not ideal, and hope for a change is what is required. But these are both different and need to be treated that way. A hope and a desire for the future can only work when you totally and completely accept the present situation as it is.
To resist is to persist.
Resisting therefore carries a charge inside of you and it manifests itself in creating more circumstances and situations that give you that same feeling.
The same cycle of getting exactly what you don’t want.
Accept the presence moment as it is, not as you wish or hope it to be.
Fighting against reality, what is, has to be one of the most craziest afflictions of our human mind. The trait that has us fighting ourselves over and over and over again without any resolution.
Which truly is utter madness.
And as I write this whilst I fly over the ice caped majestic mountains overshadowing Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan, tears caress their way down my cheeks and I taste the gentle salt on my lips.
Unlike the steadfast snow I stare at, all my resistance melts away.
I know that I am exactly where I need to be and I am doing exactly what I need to do.
I am overcome with such a powerful emotion.
It’s an over whelming feeling of completeness. Of being perfect, and being perfectly where I need to be. Right here and now.
I soften into my chair and I smile. The smile reaches into every cell of my body. I relax and breathe.
I can’t wait to see how this will all turn out.
2 Comments Add yours
Namaste Andrea , thank you for sharing so openly your adventures and feelings of them . I feel you are doing what many of us are just not quite brave enough to do. You will find your “person” when the time is right … I truly believe our lives are lived in seconds and inches, these change everything. Onwards and upwards , can’t wait to hear more Emma.
Thanks sooooo much Emma for taking the time to write! I really appreciate the lovely words xx